I feel like I’ve been really absent from my social network lately. I’m sure part of that feeling is because I’ve barely attended choir in the past month (which feels more like a year at this point). But even with my online outlets, I realize that I’ve been very quiet and reactive — mainly responding when people prod me or replying to others’ posts. Unfortunately, this behavior is part of who I am: when I’m stressed or having a bad time, I turn into a turtle, pull in, and get quiet. But I figured it was time to at least offer some explanation for my retreat into Full Turtle Mode.
First, I’m having a health issue — and those of you who were around for my first bout with this problem will remember just how far into Full Turtle Mode I can get. I inherited a tendency towards depression and anxiety (because why stop at one debilitating condition?) and both have reared their ugly heads again. I’d foolishly hoped that medicine would keep those problems at bay forever, but reality said no. I’m on a new medicine now, but still not back to normal yet. So I’m working as little as possible and spending too much time watching TV and playing computer games. (Here’s hoping the bad habits don’t stay with me.)
And the other problem is my grandmother. She had a chest x-ray done earlier this week and the doctor is 99% certain that she has lung cancer. And she doesn’t want treatment for it. And the doctor said she’s going to get very sick and will lose function on that side of her lungs. I’ve never expected my grandmother to live forever, but I always expected her to die in her sleep. I can still remember seeing Dad’s mom the day before she died, and it wasn’t pretty. She was in pain and unconscious and repeatedly stopped breathing, and then would gasp in huge breaths. It was awful. And I keep thinking that Grandma is facing something very similar by refusing treatment. Unfortunately, by the time she really starts to suffer, it’s going to be too late to do anything.
I do believe things happen for a reason. And they say that God won’t give you more than you can handle. I just hope He knows what He’s doing this time.
