Still here, still trying

So… I haven’t blogged in a while. A very long while, as it turns out. I blame depression, anxiety, health issues (both mine and family members), the world being on fire, and other problems/issues that have been sucking up my energy and generally making life very, very difficult.

Most of this I just can’t talk about. At least, not right now. The work stuff and one of the personal situations I doubt I’ll ever talk about online — work because it’s not appropriate, and personal because that situation isn’t something I want to talk about publicly. (Friends can DM me on Twitter or FB if they want more details.)

The one thing I will say is that one of my aunts is dying of cancer and will probably be gone by the end of the month. Her condition has deteriorated rapidly since they did a procedure to put radiation directly into her liver. And we found out last week that the cancer didn’t originate in the liver but in the pancreas. (That’s basically a death sentence.) So the procedure only weakened her and made her condition worse. I should add that this is the aunt who took us in for weeks after Hurricane Katrina — so there are lots of complicated memories and emotions tied up with thoughts of her. It still feels kind of unreal, probably since we haven’t seen her since Christmas. Dad went to see her a few weeks ago, but only he and his youngest sister went; my cousin felt like her mom wasn’t up to seeing many people, and she could only manage a very short visit (less than an hour). I’ve accepted that I won’t see her again, and I think I’m okay with that. I don’t know that I want to see her in her current condition, and I know we wouldn’t be able to have any conversation that would mean anything. I wish our last visit had gone better — I was too depressed to interact with her in any meaningful way — but she was a saint, so hopefully she understands.

I thought 2017 would be better than 2016. Clearly, I thought wrong.

 

 

Up and down

So, I’ve been feeling a bit off the past couple of weeks. I’ve been trying to do way too much and it caught up with me earlier this week. I feel like I’m starting to snap back, but it’s been a wake-up call, a reminder of what I went through last year — and what I need to do to avoid feeling this way.

Why is it so easy to take care of everyone else but so hard to take care of me?

The frogurt is also cursed

The past few weeks, my life has felt a lot like my favorite scene from The Simpsons:

I’d make progress, then something bad would happen. I’d get a good surprise, then a bad one. It’s exhausting.

Last week’s surprise was a very, very bad one. It’s entirely possible that the situation will resolve itself with no lasting damage, but there’s work to be done to fix the issue, and then it will be a few weeks before we know the outcome. And in the meantime, it’s weighing on my mind and leaving me somewhat frazzled and depressed.

If you have a good thought to spare, send it my way. Because where can you turn when even the frogurt is cursed?

Comatose

So, I’ve been sick for a week and a half now. I’m a lot better than I was, but still congested and super tired. I think I’m more tired now than I was at the beginning — but since I kept pushing myself to work (deadlines), I guess it’s to be expected. I think I got through the past two weeks purely on chocolate, caffeine and will power.

I had hoped to spend some time gaming this weekend, but I’ve mostly been eating, sleeping, watching TV or movies, and futzing around on Tumblr and Pinterest; I haven’t had the energy to do much else. I have managed to read a little, though. I’m almost through my re-read of Harry Potter 5. I’m surprised at how much I’ve forgotten about the later books.

Anyway. I have some other thoughts to share, but I’ll save them for later.

Happy Easter. Happy Sunday. Happy Spring.