So, I’m feeling a world better than I did just a few days ago. I’m sure the exercise and the extra meds have helped, but I think working on my diet has probably helped the most — anti-depressants usually take longer to make a difference, and the simple depression theory just didn’t fit the facts: it didn’t explain why I was still hungry after eating a decent meal, or why I was waking up so hungry that my stomach was practically in knots, or why my mood would lift within an hour of eating and drop again if I hadn’t eaten for two or three hours. And when I looked at the changes in my diet over the last few months — particularly the foods and supplements I had discontinued — it suddenly seemed blindingly obvious that my main problem was nutritional deficiency. The evidence suggests I’m lacking some combination of iron, calcium, and magnesium, so for the last few days I’ve been extra-vigilant about my supplements and eaten a good bit of red meat and spinach. And the difference in my mood is just unreal. I’m still having some anxiety and I’m a bit tired, but I hardly felt depressed at all today. I even worked a few hours. Go, me.

The one downside to otherwise good news is that part of the problem is my beloved tea. Too much tea can interfere with iron absorption (and some sources claim it also depletes magnesium) — and I had been drinking an absolute truckload of black tea almost every day. I hate giving up my tea, but I’d rather do that than take a lot of extra medicine.

Anyway… I’m not at 100% yet, but I feel like I’m well and truly on the mend — and right now, that’s a pretty good place to be.

I’ve been feeling pretty messed up for close to two weeks now. Either my body isn’t making enough serotonin or my brain has just forgotten what to do with it. I thought I was getting better over the weekend, but then things took another nosedive on Monday. I think it’s a vicious cycle at this point, since the depression is interfering with both my appetite and my sleep.

Words can’t express how awful depression feels when it’s out of control. I can’t remember ever feeling this bad. The only upside is that it’s cyclical rather than constant: in between the bursts of gloom or anxiety, I’ll have lulls of 2-3 hours where I feel better. Even then, I don’t feel great, but it’s better than feeling miserable.

I really hate my faulty genes.

Anyway. I hauled myself to the doctor this morning and she’s increasing my medication. I’m not entirely thrilled with that option since the antidepressant gives me TMJ problems and the higher dose will likely make that worse, but as she said, relieving the depression is priority one, and this is probably the fastest way to do it.

So. I’ll probably be quiet here for a while, but please don’t forget about me. Comments and well-wishes are more than welcome, as are photos of Richard Armitage or Benedict Cumberbatch. Until later…