Scorched earth

It feels like 2017 is trying to take all it can from me.

Some of the losses are small, and some — like losing my aunt to cancer — are too big and fresh and complex to process. But it wears at me, feeling like life keeps taking things from me: not just things that are or have been important to me, but also little things that provide some continuity and stability during a deeply troubling and stressful year. I feel like life and circumstances keep pushing and testing and taxing me, and each time I feel like I’m at my limit, life hands up a new challenge, threat, or loss. I’m exhausted, worn thin.

We buried my aunt two weeks ago. It went as well as could be expected, but it was still difficult, stressful, draining. We endured nearly two months of being told she was getting worse, that it would be soon. We had two weeks of hearing that it could be any day. We had more than two days of hearing that it could be any hour. We jumped every time the phone rang.

The person in the casket was a stranger, unrecognizable.

We were largely spared drama from ill or estranged family members, and for that we were grateful.

We were mostly spared the bad weather from Hurricane Harvey on our drive down to Mississippi. We were not spared from the fact that it was my father’s birthday, and we were driving for hours to bury his sister.

My father was not spared from eulogizing his sister. I watched my father, who rarely ever shows sadness or grief, falter as he spoke, the emotion clear in his voice, and I wondered if he would be able to finish. I gripped my mother’s arm the whole time, willing him to hold together. (He did.)

We were not spared the images of flooded Houston, the bad memories it sparked of Katrina, the knowledge that my aunt died on the anniversary of Katrina, twelve years after she took us into her home for weeks.

We were not spared the worry of Hurricane Irma, knowing that our family members in Miami did not evacuate. (Thankfully, they’re fine.)

I was not spared returning home to a looming work deadline — an immovable, government-imposed deadline — for multiple projects, including two that I’ve dreaded all year.

I got handed another loss tonight. I won’t try to explain it, because it probably wouldn’t make sense, and it seems small compared to everything I’ve mentioned. I suppose I feel it more deeply because of everything that came before.

Earlier today, I read some Facebook posts from a friend, written last night. She’s deeply, deeply depressed and feeling hopeless and worthless. I tried to reassure her as best I could, because I’ll cast a rope for a drowning soul even when I’m submerged myself. Another person told her to get a good night’s sleep, that things would look better in the morning. She responded that they wouldn’t, and I can relate; when you’ve been pushed past your limits, one night doesn’t even begin to undo the damage.

I just hope there will be enough nights to heal all of us.

Still here, still trying

So… I haven’t blogged in a while. A very long while, as it turns out. I blame depression, anxiety, health issues (both mine and family members), the world being on fire, and other problems/issues that have been sucking up my energy and generally making life very, very difficult.

Most of this I just can’t talk about. At least, not right now. The work stuff and one of the personal situations I doubt I’ll ever talk about online — work because it’s not appropriate, and personal because that situation isn’t something I want to talk about publicly. (Friends can DM me on Twitter or FB if they want more details.)

The one thing I will say is that one of my aunts is dying of cancer and will probably be gone by the end of the month. Her condition has deteriorated rapidly since they did a procedure to put radiation directly into her liver. And we found out last week that the cancer didn’t originate in the liver but in the pancreas. (That’s basically a death sentence.) So the procedure only weakened her and made her condition worse. I should add that this is the aunt who took us in for weeks after Hurricane Katrina — so there are lots of complicated memories and emotions tied up with thoughts of her. It still feels kind of unreal, probably since we haven’t seen her since Christmas. Dad went to see her a few weeks ago, but only he and his youngest sister went; my cousin felt like her mom wasn’t up to seeing many people, and she could only manage a very short visit (less than an hour). I’ve accepted that I won’t see her again, and I think I’m okay with that. I don’t know that I want to see her in her current condition, and I know we wouldn’t be able to have any conversation that would mean anything. I wish our last visit had gone better — I was too depressed to interact with her in any meaningful way — but she was a saint, so hopefully she understands.

I thought 2017 would be better than 2016. Clearly, I thought wrong.

 

 

A Match Made in Heaven

I’ve been a little reluctant to share this news for fear of jinxing it, but — my cousin Freddy Chancellor has found a kidney donor! We got the news roughly a week ago. The transplant surgery is scheduled for tomorrow (Monday). So we’re relieved and hopeful that everything will go smoothly. We were beginning to worry that he’d never find a good match. Clearly that was just a test of faith.

He’ll need several weeks to recover from the surgery and regain his strength, but I think that will be a breeze compared to all the waiting and worrying. We’ll be thinking of him tomorrow and praying he’ll be back on his feet soon! Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts and prayers that Freddy would find his match.

UPDATE from Freddy’s mom, Monday, November 8: “Freddy is out of surgery! Everything went well and the new kidney is already working. Elizabeth and Freddy are both recovering well and the doctors expect them to be up and moving later today.”

Campaign for a Kidney

My cousin Freddy Chancellor is in his early 40’s and is an amazing sound engineer. He worked the sound boards for the Major League Baseball All Star game this year, so you know he’s got talent. But he’s also got a big problem: he needs a new kidney.

Freddy inherited a genetic disposition for a specific type of kidney disease. The first time his kidneys failed, he got a transplant from his father. That was nearly 17 years ago. That kidney began failing last year, and he’s been relying on dialysis to do the job instead.

I’m not clear on the technical details so I may not explain this next part right, but my understanding is that his body is now sensitive to the family’s genes and so no one in the family can be a donor because there’s too much risk of rejecting the new kidney. A non-family member had offered to be a donor but the doctors finally ruled her out as well. Apparently it’s going to be very difficult to find a match that will work. Needless to say, it’s very disappointing and discouraging for the family.

Freddy’s best chance is to have as many potential donors get tested as possible. He’s looking for a needle in a haystack, and we need a bigger donor pool.

Freddy’s insurance would cover all medical costs, and I’ve been told the surgery is noninvasive. If you have blood type A or O and you think you’d be willing to donate, there’s a toll-free number you can call for a test kit: 1-888-822-7892. If you don’t fit that profile, please pass this information to others you know. A donor is out there somewhere. We just need to find him.

http://www.facebook.com/kidneyforfreddy